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Topic: Bit late but heres something I wrote for Easter  (Read 2916 times)
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« on: April 09, 2007, 11:51:40 PM »
Tainted Echo
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Feedback would be appreciated Smiley


I Was There

I was there when they whipped your back until you bled,
I didn't protest, I think I held the whip instead,
I was there when they drove thorns deep into your crown,
I didn't defend you, I just pushed all my objections down,

I was there when they burdened you with a heavy load,
I didn't tell them it was mine, I just listened to your painful groans,
I was there when they drove nails into your palms,
I looked away, better to cause offence then raise alarm.

And I'm with you at the cross as I fall down on my knees,
Begging please, begging please forgive me,
Yes I'm with you at the cross as I fall down at your feet,
Begging please, begging please, begging please,

So I'm taking up the cross, I'll take my share of splinters,
You took my share of pain, you took my share of shame,
I'll walk up to that hill, and proudly die with you,
You are my only king, you are my everything.
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« Reply #1 on: April 10, 2007, 07:49:05 AM »
Mark Rance
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Excellent - well done.  It's the type of thing we could use in Easter services.  Do you see it as remaining as a poem or is there a tune inside you for it as well?
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« Reply #2 on: April 10, 2007, 08:00:07 AM »
Tainted Echo
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I have a tune for it, but I'm not sure if the way I see it would fit for a service lol

I am more then happy for St Mikes to use it though, that would make me very happy Smiley
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« Reply #3 on: April 12, 2007, 11:58:52 AM »
Mark Rance
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Why don't you show it to Simon Bray - our Director of Music:
simon.bray@stmichaelsyork.org
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« Reply #4 on: April 12, 2007, 10:53:20 PM »
Tainted Echo
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Doing that now Smiley
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Dedicated to the Pirate cause (caution, also a shadow ninja)
« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2007, 11:53:26 AM »
peacewings
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Thank you for posting that - it's amazing and so so true.

Would it fit as a song that is played for us to listen to rather than to sing to?

Anyway - awesome!

*sanctifies*

In Christ

Han X
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« Reply #6 on: April 16, 2007, 09:06:02 PM »
Tainted Echo
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Its quite rocky the way I see it...well...Creedish...

But that may mean nothing to you...if not...listen to some Creed lol

Thanks Cheesy
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« Reply #7 on: June 03, 2007, 05:01:03 PM »
Sue Wallace
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Good stuff. I really like the fact that you say things that I haven't heard said before that are both deep and true. eg. " I didn't protest I think I held the whip instead" . Its that sort of thing that we need. Like you could have said "my sins put Him there" but instead you said it  in a much fresher way that cuts past our famililarity with the language and smacks us one. I wonder if there is a way you could do something similar to that with the last line too?

One of the things I sometimes do when writing stuff, to stop me getting into a rut, as I can find that a temptation otherwise, is to have a "banned" words list. (no they're not rude ones, but they're probably banned too now I come to think of it :-) ) My personal list changes from time to time, but it contains most of the Christian buzz words on it. I sometimes allow myself to use words on the list, but I have to have explored other options first, and I only let myself do it if I'm really stuck.
eg praise and glory. How might I say " I praise you" without saying "I praise you" is the sort of task I might set myself.

Sometimes I've gone along the path of describing some of the wonderful attributes of God instead of using the word "praise" or with glory I've used words like fame and light (which I know only encompass part of what glory is about, but then it makes it a bit more of a challenge when having to use a sentence when normally one word would do.). The other thing I think is fun, is taking a hymn and then trying to "translate" it into modern language. Not just changing some words, but completely changing all of them, yet keeping the sense of what they hymn was originally about.

Oh dear I'm waffling again, anyway thanks for posting that. Its true and beautiful. You should stick an mp3 of the music up somewhere.

Sue.
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